Anna Callegari

So this morning I got to Newark airport at 7 ready to board a 7:55 flight. Unfortunately the flight was actually leaving at 7:25 and they wouldn’t let me run the gate “Dumb & Dumber” style. There’s not many people who can say they missed a flight due to dyslexia!! Anyways I luckily got on the next flight and of course there was a hassidic Jew** man sitting next to me. I would get stuck next to the overweight guy who can’t shower because it’s “against his religion”. I don’t mean to be a bitch but… 1. Planes are tiny places where everyone can smell everything 2. I don’t understand the by laws of your religion and what not but how is it that you can’t wear deodorant but you’re allowed to go in a plane? 3. I’m sorry that was mean. I guess we can be friends. Thanks for helping me out of the bathroom when I turned into a retard and locked myself inside. 4. All of the above is true. So all in all it was a good trip home. Next time I must focus hard on the numbers that tell me what time my flight is, and I’ll try not to give smelly men dirty looks because who knows? They might help me out of an airplane bathroom from the 70’s one day!!

***Hassidic, orthodox, was he even Jewish? Does it matter? I have no idea what I’m talking about in regards to the Jewish religion. You can finish reading now if you want.

So today I went to my favorite class at Crunch and we were doing these lay down, sit up, stand up, jump things when I started to smell shit.  So being the bitchy asshole that I guess I am I proceeded to glare at this woman in front of me.  The whole time I was thinking “this dumb bitch shat her pants” when all of a sudden I realized the smell was coming from closer than I had guessed …

When I saw a little crap on the ground I freaked out.  ”How the hell could I have shat my pants without knowing?!  I guess it’s normal because body builders sometimes shit their pants when they lift weights, but with a 5 lb weight?!  Also, why did that bitch behind me not tell me that I shat my pants in the middle of class???”

I quickly put my weights away and ran out of class to the bathroom.  The whole time I was thinking about how my life is over, I shat myself without even knowing, I can never go to that class again, people will think of me as that girl who shit herself lifting a 5 lb weight …  Well, in the bathroom I got confused.  It was very clear that no, I did not shit myself.  But why was there shit in my vicinity??  Someone else must have shat there before me??  

No.  Like a fucking idiot I stepped in dog shit and dragged it into the gym.  I don’t know how I didn’t realize it on my shoe, I guess I was running too fast because I get all excited about this teacher and always strive to be the best in the class, because now that school is over I need some sort of validation that I’m doing something right.  But I didn’t realize it until 45 minutes into the class.  For 45 minutes I was parading shit around like a moron.

All I wanted to do was go back into the class waving my shoe, “Hey guys!  False alarm, I didn’t shit myself and neither did she! (point to the weird lady in front of me, who honestly, doesn’t shower)  I stepped in dog shit!”  And then everyone would be like “Oh, Anna!” and we would all share a laugh and then do jumping jacks together.  But no.  Instead I freaked out and thought I was losing control of my bowels, put my weights away, and ran out like a mad woman.  

So everyone in there that saw me thinks I shit my pants.  I’m never going to that class again.

Now I understand why people pack their sneakers.  I need a gym bag.

I don’t watch Mad Men, or anything else on AMC but “The Walking Dead” is the scariest shit ever.  And it’s amazing, or at least the first two episodes were.

Also, if you’re wondering who the lead guy is because you think he looks familiar look no further, YES! He is the guy from “Love Actually”.

Which is an amazing movie I don’t care if you think it’s stupid.

www.sporcle.com

I have realized on this website that I do not know any of our country’s presidents, nor can I name the country that goes with a certain piece of architecture.

When I was feeling totally down on myself I opted for an “easy” quiz regarding the lyrics to Beatles songs.  I failed at that as well.

Perhaps if I practice taking these quizzes long enough I will be able to hold a conversation with another person for more than five minutes.  

And by “hold” I am referring to the act of providing new information, at the moment I just play re-runs of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years” in my head and nod/raise my eyebrows whenever the other person does.  

Just kidding!  But in all honesty, sporcle can really make you feel like a dumbass.

Don’t make your facebook status a joke if you don’t expect jokes in the comment section.  

That’s like telling someone a knock knock joke without the punchline.  

Basically, I just got in a really weird fight with my sister over the hidden meanings behind my comments on her facebook and I decided I wanted to get all emo about this and blog. 

In other news, New York is cold and I spent 2 hours playing nerf dart tag with the 6 year old I nanny for (the most adorable kid in the world) and I’m pooped.  While I thought nerf guns were simply “vintage” toys from the 90s, they are not.  They have some pretty intense models out there now and I busted a cap in those mofos on the playground.  

After retiring my gun to this 8 year old who looked jealous I made friends with the other nannies.  As a white girl I have never felt like a minority.  Except in the field of nannying.  God I wish I could be that cool nanny with the accent.